I never knew my mother was a narcissist until I ended up in an abusive romantic relationship and if felt vaguely familiar.
- The way he gaslit me.
- The specific way he intentionally created drama and chaos.
- His willingness to throw me under the bus.
- How nothing was ever his fault, but somehow always mine.
I am grateful now for that terrible, terrible relationship. Because in it, I learned how to save myself. How to walk away and never look back. How to methodically and diligently extricate myself from every financial entanglement I had with him. And most importantly, why it had felt so familiar.
After a year of no contact with my mother, in which I worked very hard to heal the wounding she had bestowed upon me throughout my life, I came to care for her in a moment of crisis. I didn’t need her to change anymore. I didn’t really need anything from her at all. I just wanted to support her on her journey towards death.
But nine months later, I have realized that the darkness in her will kill me unless I leave. My body started to experience physical symptoms from being barraged with cortisol 24/7. It doesn’t matter that I don’t take it personally. It is simply not sustainable to live in a situation where your body doesn’t feel safe. Where you face darkness and evil on a daily basis.
So now, I get to choose myself again. I get to let go of any last entanglements. I get to process the shocking confessions she’s made to me since being here.
- How she enjoys lording power over her friends using her money.
- How she has broken up several families, including our own, on her corporate climb.
- How she knows exactly what she’s doing.
I have learned that even love cannot trump lack of alignment. When two people are so utterly mis-aligned, the only option is to separate their auras. It’s just mechanics. And it’s inevitable, as long as one of them is aware. And not designed for self-sacrifice. That is me, and my role is to end this drama, allowing both of us to face our respective fates in a necessary correction of a longstanding power imbalance.
I wish us both well.
