I have always sensed a war for control of my womb going on outside me. Maybe I absorbed this from my staunchly feminist mother, who taught me that my body is my own and no one can force me to carry a fetus to term without my consent. Maybe I sensed this myself when I had an abortion at twenty. Or maybe it is why I ultimately chose to not bring children into this world. Regardless, some part of me has always known that this realm is not fully safe for my womb, at the current level of collective consciousness.
Every single gynecological visit I’ve had in my life has felt invasive. I once had a gynecologist who dismissed my complaints of lost libido in my marriage by saying, “familiarity breeds contempt.” I never returned to him. I once had a family physician want to perform a pelvic exam when I arrived with a sprained ankle. I refused and never saw him again, either.
Even my mother, who supported me with my abortion, viewed it as a simple medical procedure and never asked me how I felt about it. And how I felt about it was relieved, sad, and slightly ashamed. Like I had failed in some way.
No one ever taught me how to connect with my womb, to develop a relationship with her. To tap into her wisdom and power. I’ve had to do that myself. I am only now, in menopause, aware of the power that is my womb and able to own it. It has been a journey from unconsciousness to creator, full of lessons about power and how and how not to create with it.
And what I’ve discovered on this journey is that my womb is much more than a place to receive a man or carry a baby. My womb is a portal. a creative universe unto itself. It is a portal to spirit, to the unmanifested, to the void, to the plenum of pure potentiality. It is the seat of my true power and access to the greatest power in the cosmos. I spent most of my life chasing the ego power of man when all along I held the entire power of the universe in my womb.
Three hours into the heroic dose of my first mushroom journey, I find myself standing in front of a void. Although my eyes are closed and I am sitting on my sofa, all I can feel is a thunderous force, a hurricane wind that blows my hair back from my face and makes it hard to remain standing. I can feel that the force, the fury that I am standing in front of is impersonal, although not without compassion. It feels like I am being tested.
I stand there, my insides shaking, willing to be obliterated if that is what is meant to be. Eventually I hear a voice.
“This power is now yours. You will have to learn to wield it,” it says.
I shake my head.
No, no…I don’t want it. It’s too much. I don’t want that kind of responsibility, I answer.
“It’s too late. It is your destiny. You have earned it. Now you must learn how to use it wisely,” the voice counters. I can feel it is true, as the creative power of the entire universe is passed to me. I can feel it’s heat and fury as it enters me through my womb, expanding me outwards until it feels like I will explode.
I’m not sure what it all means, but before I can ask, the fury disappears, and new visions arrive. I see and feel the cosmos being birthed-entire galaxies, the earth, the animals, the humans-all the beings of the realm we exist in — being birthed from a womb, through a vagina. This power birthed everything.
We got it all wrong, I think. God is feminine. She’s a mother.
And now this power is alive inside me. And I am its vessel.
Since that journey, I have been learning to wield this power, to work with my womb portal. And what I have learned is that this kind of power comes with great responsibility. It is a power beyond the ego’s power — it is a power that transcends time, space, and the material realm. It is not power OVER — it is power WITH…the Divine aspect of Self. I am always at choice to receive a seed and to gestate it until birth. My role is to develop sensitivity and discernment to what wants to come through me, and I am given the option to choose it or not. I align my desires with the Divine through unconditional surrender, but I am in no way a victim. I am a co-creator.
In fact, as I become more aware of the power of my womb, I also become more aware of my responsibility for her. To create and maintain her sacred essence. To keep her clear and safe. I have come to believe that the most empowered place I can inhabit as a woman is to take full responsibility for all that comes through me and to cultivate my power to co-create consciously. Responsibility for any creation that is outsourced in any way makes me a victim to that entity. I can no longer allow that to occur.
This is beyond body sovereignty. This is soul sovereignty. When you align with the creative power of the universe, you no longer need power over anyone.
I no longer wonder why there is a war for my womb going on outside me. Whether or not others know it consciously, they seek this power. And, of course, they fear it too. I no longer need that to change. I know my purpose is to cultivate my capacity to co-create with the Divine to birth a new paradigm, a new way of existing with the planet. A new earth.