Why Has This Entered My Life?

I don’t believe in randomness. Part of my design is to look for, and create meaning, and over the years I have learned the immense power of doing this. Of endeavoring, over time, to learn something more than the obvious from an experience.

So, about a month ago, when I became ill after returning from a visit to my hometown of Tulsa, I initially thought it was food poisoning or a stomach bug picked up from the plane. But after 7 days of struggling, I finally relented and went to the ER for the first time in my life.

At first, they didn’t seem very worried. I was in good spirits, walked in on my own, and wasn’t in a lot of pain. But after a couple of tests, the ER doctor sat down beside me and said, “you look fine, but you are not fine.”

My appendix had ruptured, but I didn’t have the well-known symptoms that usually bring people to the ER right away. Instead, my body had been trying to protect me by building walls of abscesses in my abdominal cavity and pelvis. They admitted me immediately, but soon discovered that it was too dangerous to operate to remove my appendix.

I spent the next 8 days in the hospital, fighting the infection with the help of powerful antibiotics and drains.

During those 8 days, I had so much time to ponder why this had come into my life. Not in a “why me?” way, but in a way of looking for the gift. One of my biggest fears in life has been being a patient in a hospital, because I never had been.

I’ve never broken a bone.
I’ve never had surgery.
I’ve never been really, really sick.

And here I was, walking into that ER, somehow knowing I wasn’t going to leave, somehow knowing I was going to face this fear.

But the fear never came. Not really. And THAT was what surprised me the most. Instead, I was cared for by amazing people — some of them true angels — and supported through a really difficult experience. Instead of fear, I found grace. I wasn’t afraid to die, if it was my time. And to be honest, there were moments that I didn’t know if it was my time or not. But that did not happen.

I allowed myself to just be present, and to be cared for. We all waited to see what my body could do, how she would be able to resolve this infection with the help they could safely give her.

I was released from the hospital when they had done what they could do, to continue to fight the remaining infection at home with more antibiotics.

Yesterday, after 2 weeks, I returned to my surgeon to check in. Impressed by my healing, she wants me to get stronger before removing my appendix robotically in a minimally invasive procedure in 2–3 months.

Every day I get stronger and walk the next step in this initiation with as much awareness as I can. I am so grateful for the care I’ve received, and because I have no insurance, I have no idea how to pay for it. I am applying for, and grateful for, financial assistance due to an agreement in the state of Washington with hospitals. I am also surprised that there is no fear in this either.

So… why has this entered my life? What meaning am I to make of it?

I am sure I am only beginning to touch the meaning, but I DO know that it feels huge, like a new era is beginning in my life. I think part of the meaning of this experience is to show me how supported I am by Life so that I can allow ALL the goodness to flow to me.

This support has shown up partly in the form of kindness from strangers. I think it is important to accept the kindness of strangers, to expand our capacity to RECEIVE, even though it feels so vulnerable. This is how goodness flows from one heart to another, how grace is delivered.

Another kernel of clarity is my love for my work with clients, which I am returning to, from this new place. Stay tuned for more on that. For now, thank you for being here with me, on your own journey — I really do not take that lightly. Just with less fear.

I hope you allow grace to carry you, too.