Why You Need to Be Selfish

Love yourself. We hear this all the time. But what does that really mean?

Does it mean that I should treat myself well? That I should respect myself? Value myself? Reward myself? Take bubble baths?

And we also hear that you have to love yourself BEFORE you can love someone else. And yet, I think we are mostly conditioned that selfishness is bad and that we must focus on others to be a good person. Our families, culture, and society teach us to focus on external validation, often at the expense of our inner authority.

Only recently in my own journey to loving myself did I begin to experience what feels like true self-love. And for me, two other things had to come first:

Self-Understanding & Self-Acceptance

Consistently experimenting with my energetic blueprint from Human Design gave me both.

At first, there were things in my blueprint that I felt resistant to.

What?! I’m a hermit?!

What do you mean I’m not a “community” kind of person?!

And that I feel and perform best in a CAVE?!

There were many things in my blueprint that didn’t feel socially acceptable, although they felt deeply true. The need for selfishness was one of them. So, I experimented. I experimented with giving myself more alone time, more time focused in my creative flow, and in my cave (which already existed, by the way).

I simply could not deny the difference in how I felt. And what new ideas came through me. And then the question was

“Am I going to deny myself what feels so nourishing and true?”

Ultimately, I chose to accept these understandings of how I am designed, and therefore to accept myself. And that’s when the magic began.

As I experimented more with following my inner authority, I began to feel the uniqueness of my perspective on life and its transmission emerge. And I began to recognize and appreciate it in others. I really began to see how absolutely differentiated we each are and how each of us brings gifts and contributions to make that only we can make.

And most importantly, that what makes us different, or even “weird,” is exactly what we’re here to bring. The less we try to “fit in,” the bigger our contribution.

You have a transmission, an absolutely unique perspective through which you see and experience life. The way in which you are designed. And, ultimately, that is why you’re here.

In the famous words of dancer and choreographer Martha Graham:

“There is a vitality, a life-force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, nor how valuable it is, nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you.”

She goes on to talk about the lack of satisfaction in following these urges, but that is not my experience. Not at all.

Instead, I am experiencing more and more moments of sheer bliss and amazement at how the totality wants — needs — to experience itself through me. Through each of us. And how when I can honor this uniqueness within me, I give permission to others to do the same. And through the uniqueness in each of us, we make a contribution to each other and to the whole.

Some of us are here to be selfish. Some of us are here to focus on others. Some of us are here to create community. When we understand and accept these truths about ourselves, we discover that indeed, loving ourselves in this way expands our capacity to love and contribute to others.

But it has to come from a true place within. And this true place requires us to be a little selfish — to tune out the world and tune into our own frequency. And to trust that what comes through ultimately serves everyone.

It is a rare and glorious thing to be truly comfortable in your own skin. To know your life is something you can manage, that you can manage correctly, and that you can handle the consequences of. This, I think, is true self-love, and I have to believe that it is a gift to others, and the only real way to truly see and love others.